2006-11-30

vicious circle


to me - to others

pain = complaint
to tell my pain = to complain
grave = no big deal
to mourn about it = to bitch about it


I want somebody to understand my pain
but for most of the people around me
it must be the pain to listen to my complaint

I don't want them to think
that I'm just bitching about tiny problems
to get their attention

So I don't tell anybody that I'm overwhelmed with my pain
I can't tell that I'm dying
I can't tell how much it hurts

nobody knows what it's like

I want to have them experience it
so that they can understand it

but instead I hide my pain, I can't tell them

that's why my pain always swells up inside of me and occupies my head
that's why I always lower the tension by spitting out a bit of red from my wrist


STOP ME

2006-11-27

思考停止

無感情

無表情

でも衝動

脳は酸欠

感覚は麻痺

感じるのは吐き気だけ

2006-11-23

load

自己愛に飢えながら
他人の愛を拒む

自己憎悪に蝕まれ
猜疑心が視界を曇らせる

捨ててしまいたい命に
縋り付いて離れられない

理解され得ない不条理を持て余し
その憤りはやがて己に牙を剥く

重すぎる負荷

誰か代わりに背負ってほしい

2006-11-12

life

私を愛してくれる少数の人たちを
ただ泣かせないためだけに
私は生きなくてはならない

しかし
汚物を吐き出すだけの廃人に
生存し続ける権利など
果たしてあるのだろうか


2006-11-08

again

cut cut cut
slash slash slash
blood red blood
red turns brown
wine red bruises

out of control
broken brain
broken
out of order

air's rotting inside my lungs
unpleasant
downer in me

I thought it's gone
but it's still here
smothering my brain
want to flush it away
go just go please go away
take it away

2006-11-05

burden

to the north.
i want to go.
escape.
from what?
reality. duty. friends. family. everything.
don't bother me.

what if i disappeared?
what if i died?
it'll make them cry.
sin. crime. guilt.
don't .
i can't die.
i can't go anywhere.
i'm captured.
let me go let me go let me go
somebody kill me.
please.
anybody.
wanna escape.

i can't go.
i must live.
the last thing i want.
life.
my life.
i don't want it.
i want to throw it away from the rooftop.

i want snow.
i want to die in white.
not black.
not red.
white.
give me white.
make me smile.
i need white.
to light up my mind.

i can't see anything.
i'm in the dark.
i'm in the black.
spitting out crimson red.
everyday.
sin that should be hidden.
my burden.
i want to throw it away.
burden.

2006-11-01

in my brain

so much to think about

but my brain doesn't work

staring at nothing

feverish head

full of emptiness

so much to do

but I'm out of control

dead in the bed

blurry head

thinking about nothing