show me how to live

己が命に縋りつきながら
己が体に刃を突き立てる

己が精神を抱きしめながら
己が心を掻き毟る

選び得るのは苦悶だけ

苦しむ為に己を生かし
生きる為に己を苦しめる

gotta be free

self-hatred comes up.

uncontrollably.

why?

whenever.
wherever.

no matter what i'm doing.
no matter how i'm feeling.

suddenly interrupts everything.
and overwhelms me.
occupies my thought.
i'm uncontrollable.

but i know.
i'm the one who makes me uncontrollable.

gotta be free.
can't escape.

so tired of me .
i don't love me.
i've never loved me.
and i won't.

2 conflicting personalities.
one hates this life,
the other loves it so much.
one denies everything,
the other wants to accept everything as they are.

love. hatred.
acceptance. rejection.
freedom. restriction.

i'm running on the moebius strip.

wanna see the end.

down

turn me on
i must be ok
as long as i wanna stay in this human society

but i don't
but i must be ok
coz there're some people who'll cry if i'm gone
i don't want them unhappy because of me
coz they love me, however insane i am

i must live
for them
as long as they love me

i gotta be ok
for them
as long as i have them

but what about me?
i'm not ok at all these days
and i don't want this life anymore
why do i have to live for others, not for me?
maybe that's because they still love me
though i don't anymore

i'm losing my vigor
it's like watching the blood dripping from my body
i'm losing my mind
i don't feel anything except vanity
i'm hollow
somebody fill me with something
but i got no one

tell me how to live
tell me how to love
tell me how to believe
tell me how to be okay

but all i can believe is
i'm unacceptable
to me
to others
to society
to this world

in the dark

don't know what's wrong with me
don't know why i'm so sad

just wanna get out of this agony
just don't know how

not again

it has come
again
I'm in the mud
again
wanna kill me
still
can't get out
yet

want somebody to cure me
but I know nobody can

just give me some rest
I gotta be free

to live
for somebody

or to die
for me